He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
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Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
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I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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