If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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