i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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