White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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