She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize