I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
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I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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