I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
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When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
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If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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