Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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