Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
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I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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