the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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