My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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