i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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