you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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