Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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