Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
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I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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