I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
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Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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