i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize