I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My vagina is very pro this idea
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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