I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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