this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
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I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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