I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
