if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
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My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
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She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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