Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize