We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
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I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
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I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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