When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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