he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
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I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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