Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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