When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
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The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
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you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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