We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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