The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
