two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
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I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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