I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
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Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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