i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize