my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize