I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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