I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
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I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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