So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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