After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
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Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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