dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize