Your mouth is God's brothel.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i barfeds in our rink
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
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I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
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Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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