Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am midnight drunk by noon
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
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not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
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I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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