1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
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I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
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I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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