omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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