i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
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I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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