Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm scared

(337): View more from Louisiana

There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.

(972): View more from Texas

That's what I'm afraid of

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(972): I'm scared (337): There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size. (972): That's what I'm afraid of http://tfl.nu/7af7

Replies (16) Good night (627) Bad night (3685)
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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(585): Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either. http://tfl.nu/3i4x

Replies (12) Good night (7676) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(630): Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol. http://tfl.nu/s5um

Replies (10) Good night (6056) Bad night (1237) Order T-Shirt
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

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(860): Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it. http://tfl.nu/iun7

Replies (15) Good night (1666) Bad night (3862) Order T-Shirt
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(336): View more from North Carolina

He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.

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(336): He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one. http://tfl.nu/csjr

Replies (10) Good night (1108) Bad night (4689) Order T-Shirt
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(519): View more from Ontario

He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

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(519): He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka. http://tfl.nu/8f21

Replies (13) Good night (2406) Bad night (664)
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

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(608): I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know http://tfl.nu/g581

Replies (7) Good night (2008) Bad night (839) Order T-Shirt
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(708): View more from Illinois

Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.

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(708): Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail. http://tfl.nu/vicx

Replies (6) Good night (2449) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
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(209): View more from California

Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!

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(209): Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country! http://tfl.nu/zlp4

Replies (8) Good night (2204) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
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(616): View more from Michigan

Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.

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(616): Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry. http://tfl.nu/rf2y

Replies (7) Good night (1412) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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(401): Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen? http://tfl.nu/0v6w

Replies (5) Good night (2283) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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(402): View more from Nebraska

Almost there.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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(402): Almost there. (1-402): define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway. http://tfl.nu/xjed

Replies (1) Good night (1575) Bad night (277)
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(425): View more from Washington

I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.

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(425): I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it. http://tfl.nu/bssm

Replies (3) Good night (741) Bad night (176)
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(971): View more from Oregon

Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.

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(971): Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor. http://tfl.nu/pagf

Replies (1) Good night (629) Bad night (153) Order T-Shirt
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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.

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(304): I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here. http://tfl.nu/t14q

Replies (5) Good night (522) Bad night (159) Order T-Shirt

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