I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it glows. i had to have it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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