Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize