I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize