i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
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Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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