If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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